Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
