So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
