I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
