Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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