I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
