I think I died a long time ago.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
