She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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