i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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