He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
