he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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