I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
