I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize