My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
