ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
