she looked like the before picture.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
