So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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