I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
