You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
