Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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