Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
