I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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