WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
