hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
