I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
