i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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