Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize