I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
no you cant smoke seaweed
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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