My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
