..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
