I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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