Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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