Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize