you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he fucked my hip out of place.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
