well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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