We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
