There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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