You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
