I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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