i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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