I wannas sexs uuuuu
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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