I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
