saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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