The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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