it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
