we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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