dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
