My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
