Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
