I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
