Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
