bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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