No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
