My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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