I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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