Betty ford says i'm here all night
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
