I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
