he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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