she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
