I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
