I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize