Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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