Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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